lousy day

I just got home. and I have work tomorrow. I knew it would be this way when I woke up this morning. It made me feel tired and drained. that's how today started.

I so badly did not want to go for alumni today. but I thought that at least I'd get to talk to crystal, and that it'd be irresponsible to just ponn because we hardly have any players as it is. I told myself I'd be alright once I got there. I'd even pick up a nice hot drink on the way. hot chocolate or white cocoa.

I bought myself chai tea in the end. the spices made it smell nice. but in the end, it wasn't as comforting as white cocoa or hot chocolate would have been.

I sat at the bus stop wondering what I was doing. I'd just reach home past midnight and I'd have to go to work the next day. I was wearing the wrong shorts, the wrong shirt. yai hurried me out of the house so I couldn't change. and even when we were in the car reversing out of the driveway, I felt like saying, stop I don't want to go, or at least ask if I could go back and change into something that felt right. but I didn't because he'd been waiting for me and he might have gotten fed up.

and when I boarded the bus, most of the passengers were watching one of those third rate chinese serials on tvmobile. It irritated me like hell being forced to listen to the poor acting; the acting was so poor you could hear it without having to look at the screen. I tried to shut it out by listening to my own music. I couldn't shut out the kid whining in an affected, nasal voice on the tv. there were cannons in my ipod and I could still hear the yammering chinese dialogue like chickens squawking and squawking. and they still watched it. I had an organ in my ears and I could still hear the yammering like a jackhammer.

and then there was some stupid commercial asking you whether you knew that vitamin D helps you absorb calcium as if taking a lot of vitamin D is really good for you and will help you grow strong when you can actually OD on it because taking too much causes calcification of the liver. they don't tell you that because nobody would by their product then. because everybody is paranoid.

and there were adverts on the train trying to sell some random event. trying to endear random strangers to the general public by giving them cutesy nicknames which were not endearing at all. it was a plainly pathetic stab at trying to be endearing.

maybe this is all just a story with a first person narrative. It's just that it's real. I'm not particularly creative and maybe this is just another story that's mostly true, but not entirely because I'll just inject some fiction into it and you'd never know what's true and what's false and you'd be left wondering about me. like if I put in something about paedophilia you'd think it's not true of course. but then I'd write here, 'is it?' and if you knew what I looked like you would almost be able to picture me looking at you with my eyes full of meaning. and you'd wonder.

and when I got to school and opened up the spaceship I felt like throwing myself off the stage. It wouldn't have done much good since the stage is only a few inches high and I'd hardly be able to sustain any injury if I jumped off, much less break a bone.

It was an awful, ridiculous mess.

I wanted to lie on the floor and just go to sleep. and just carry on sleeping even when they came in and prodded me and say it's time to get that out of there and move it over to the viewing gallery.