trouble

I've been told to try and think positively and to keep myself busy. It's hard. Apparently this is harder because I don't have anything to do. I have a lot of spare time to think about things.

This morning I was eating a sandwich. It was sunny and I thought that life wasn't so bad. The day changed.

No future. I want to go home, but can't talk to family. don't like talking about feelings. Iris is busy at the hospital. mum and dad know something is wrong. they're talking about coming up here. that will cost money. guilt. don't know what to do with them. maybe it won't be so bad. 

physically exhausted from feeling. not even doing anything. just feeling. brief moments thinking things aren't so bad. then dropping down again to feeling like things are hopeless. this is exhausting.

In a daze while trying to find food on the high street. at least I had a jacket to keep me warm. I guess that's more than what some people have. 

don't really understand problem. can't talk to people. don't want to burden acquaintances with problems. 

alone. alone. alone.

Knicker shorts and hot pants

Retail world, stop trying to convince me that knicker shorts and hot pants are awesome and that I should by them. They're not, and I won't. They look stupid and uncomfortable. It takes a person with a certain type of body to be able to pull off knicker shorts. Specifically, someone with killer legs and killer ass with minimal thigh jelly. I can accept that I am not that person, please accept that too and stop bombarding me with adds and photos of knicker shorts and hot pants.

andrea's poem

I wrote Andrea a poem, since she's getting married and I don't know what else to get her. I hope she likes poetry. Searching for a wedding poem? pah! that's not how we do it, we make fools of ourselves by writing bad poetry because we love our cousin very much.

Dinner with friends

Dinner this evening was so wonderful. It followed a wonderful warm and sunny day. It pushed aside my dark background for awhile. so I made prawn curry which turned out to be really spicy. and I made my own roti prata! which wasn't as good as the real thing obviously, but it was comforting. We had mango and watercress salad, with mint and cashews thrown in too. I didn't have any of that in the end, but every one else liked it so that was good. It became apparent that I shall remain behind some glass walls when it comes to others for a while. It hurts a little less now, but I do feel that hole there still. well maybe this hole will grow smaller. We had some really animated conversation, and it was good to connect on so many things. I think I needed this, this female bonding. And upon having it, it was a warm, loving and safe embrace. I might just be really high from my chocolate nemesis cake though. it was such a good cake, everyone stopped talking so they could eat it. it's because I have awesome skills at following cooking instructions. tonight was a good loving night. All I want is to be well loved. that and a job.

Safe love

your words are like a warm embrace. I'm really happy for it.

uncertainty

I'm trying to write songs and trying to write poetry. I know I'll hate it all in a few months' time.

I don't understand you. I don't understand you at all. or maybe I do understand, but the simple explanation is so cold that it makes me shiver and tremble with disappointment. It would mean that the warmth that I thought was there was brief and meaningless. I was hoping I could trust in it, when we both seemed to show a little more of ourselves in words and deeds.

It makes me think that I should be heartless too. I give away so little of myself now, and this is just going to make me put up more barriers of frosted glass. Only some light gets through and it's all distorted.

Freedom shouldn't be in a lack of emotion. But that's what it feels like now - if I didn't feel anything, you could not hold me. The reality of this makes me a little more cynical, a little more disappointed, and a little more broken. These picturesque dreams that I've held close to my heart slowly fade into sepia tones as life goes on.

If you don't care, I shall pretend not to care too. I refuse to be perceived as weak, troubled or in pain. we shall carry on like before, only now I have a hole some where in my chest that I have concealed behind several panes of frosted glass. If you listen carefully (I know you won't) you might hear it the next time I am with you and talking to you through so many of my own walls.

condensation

I feel like I'm becoming a more boring person and starting to disappear.

Getting a job is the sole purpose of my life right now. ok check that, getting a training contract is the sole purpose of my life right now. It's all that I think about. I keep reading the news, heavily focussing on the business world and world events. I read loads. so when people start making jokes about how lawyers are destroying the amazon, the nerd in me bursts forth to say: 'paper companies plant their own trees.'

oh ok, that's interesting.

Ewan and I went to a pub last night. It's an awesome pub. I didn't want to eat because I spent a ridiculous amount of money on food last week. I don't even know how. anyway he very kindly bought me dinner because he has a job. I need to update my list of people I need to buy dinner for once I get a contract:

mum and dad
martin's mum
brendan's parents
ewan's parents (although ewan says I don't have to)
ewan
croissant
there may be more.

I procrastinate, I'm supposed to be doing an application right now. SOLE PURPOSE IN LIFE.

Professional? NOT

The college gave me a video of me taken during the practice advocacy assessment. I looked quite serious and professional. Martin contrasted this with Saturday night - sitting on the arm of a couch, reading and going 'meehhhhhhh!!!!'

I need a job. In the meantime, listening to Swan Lake - it's amazing.