period drama

I love little dorrit, it's so awesome.

still

I feel like a jigsaw puzzle piece that was put in the wrong box some times. I feel like the world is passing me by and I'm not doing enough in it. but when I finally do take part in something, I don't care for it.

I've seen people go off to have fun at clubs and parties and I wonder what it's like to do that because I don't do that. and when I actually did go to a club that I've heard of, well I didn't like it at all. I didn't like the smell, or the strange people that seemed, well, they seemed like glass butterflies, flitting from one circle to another. and they seemed so transparent and empty and soulless. I didn't care for it, and I didn't want to be there.

I hate being afraid. I was afraid in Paris when croissant had to go to work and I went walking around by myself. it wasn't so bad then, but it did hinder me practising my french. I'd try to speak french to someone but when they started speaking to me they'd talk so rapidly that I wouldn't be able to catch it and my whole face would just fall. they'd know to speak english to me after that. I just started speaking english after a while. and I was afraid that I would get hit by a car while I was on the velibe and I wobbled so much. I couldn't enjoy that as much as I should've liked because I was so nervous. and because I kept crashing into lampposts and walls.

maybe this is all very self-absorbed and ungrateful.

poetic kindness

that knot that crystallizes in our heart
it insists on bubbling up through our
throat and into our mind, heaving it's way
to burn the eyes with it's cruelty.

and they say, you should be this way,
it's so easy to give up your thoughts.
it is out of sight, put it out of your mind.

but the long space that stays adamant
like a solid brick wall between you and I.
shielding me from your eyes,
shielding you from, me.

because the heart feels what it does
it wants what it wants,
and it's so hard to temper it
with what they say we should do.

because we grasp at fraying threads
of memory and thought.

prediction

I don't think I'll ever be happy.

walkies

well today I wandered around paris on my own. well, that's a lie, I wandered around printemps and galeries lafayette after going to fauchon to get a bottle of champagne for my 21st. and some coffee. It was depressing to go to les grand magasins. I had money to buy stuff, but I just really didn't want to. as in I found some stuff that I quite liked, but I just really didn't feel like spending 200 euros on a vanessa bruno athe dress. it was a nice dress though. then I thought, alright, I'll look for a new wallet, because I could use a new wallet. but I just hated everything that I saw. well I didn't like anything that I saw. a lot of the wallets looked really formal and like something that I'd only use when I'm working and earning lots of money. the only fun things I saw were like marc by marc jacobs stuff, but I didn't even really like those.

so I have quite a few euros left in my old ugly wallet now because I can't find anything that I really like that I feel is worth the price as well.

I'm glad I had the experience of 'shopping' in Paris though. even if it was just to visit les deux grand magasins. and I didn't die from speaking English. I did try to speak french at first but then whenever they replied in rapid french, my face just fell cause I really couldn't catch it. I gave up after a while. every one was quite nice anyway. je tres fatigue maintenant.

I think if I can gather up the strength, je vais faire promenade a montparnasse. croissant me dire c'est tres beau par la. but it's getting late now so I think most things will be closing now. it's hard being in a foreign country in your own when you can't speak the language.

je retournerai a ma maison demain. Mon train partir a midi mais je dois me reveiller tot parce que croissant a travail. j'adore paris, il me manquerai[?]

Paris

well croissant has gone off to work so I'm alone in his apartment. I'm probably going to go off in an hour or so myself. I'm a little nervous about walking about paris on my own. I'm really nervous about conversing with people. I mean, when I'm on my own I can speak some French quite normally. but once I have to talk to a stranger I start panicking. like yesterday at the restaurant, I panicked so I ended up going 'uhm uhm, may I have a chicken sandwich please?' it was not cool. well today I'm on my own. I hope i don't die.

well yesterday was quite fun. the weather wasn't spectacular, and I didn't go to les puces after all but croissant and I walked around paris which was really fun too. I mean, I was disappointed that we didn't go to les puces de saint ouen but I figured that walking around aimlessly along the seine was cool too. and croissant probably wouldn't have wanted to go there that badly anyway. most shops were closed yesterday but there was a shirt shop that was open so I tagged along while croissant spent a long time buying a shirt. it was really fun for me since I'd gone through the whole 'purchasing clothes' process in french class and now I was actually witnessing it live. although I didn't actually say anything to the sales person because I'm terrified to.

we watched a really unsettling movie at a theatre along champs-elysee. I think it's called the burning plains in english, but they called it loin de la terre brulee. I guess the movie made me realise that brulee means burn and that 'creme' is a femine noun. yay for that at least.

we went to a pub in saint germain last night and rode some velibes back. it was scary. I'm not steady on bikes. croissant actually wanted to get on them during the day and I absolutely refused because I said I'd get knocked over. and the bike I had wasn't actually very comfortable. I crashed a lot, and croissant made us ride on the sidewalk because I was so unsteady, and there was still some traffic at the time. I'm glad that I did it, but I won't do it again.