gone

I wonder where the month went. its coming to the end of Juy already. what have I been doing? I don't even know. sitting at home.

yai came home unexpectedly. I was brushing my teeth when i heard him downstairs. I was a little disappointed because it meant i couldn't sleep in his bed anymore. and because it meant he would start taking the car everyday. but it's still good that he's home. lot's of pilots been coming in and out of the house. it's kind of a strange sight.

been trying to figure some things out. but no matter how much time was spent, still ended up stuck. been kind of isolated trying to think. now i'm stuck isolated.

heard a nice song. it suddenly jumped up from behind and surprised me. i didn't know i had it in my ipod. something about a flower fading and waves tossing in the ocean and a vapour in the wind.

been trying to figure out what to bring. only allowed one piece of luggage and one carry on. mum and dad will bring the rest for me a few days later. warm clothes and somehow fitting a collage of photos into a bag. my fencing gear. was thinking about bringing cello. should get a case. books. music scores. must find a file for those. shoes. need to find warm leggings or something. hope the season this fall is nice this year.

a3 flyrides been making me look at my feet more often. they're pretty.

been wondering where god went. probably went to church.

disappearing

I'm leaving Singapore on September 24th 2007 at 23:00 hours.

bad night

I wonder if i'll be able to sleep at all tonight.

why cant people be who they seem to be?

I'm not a bad person. I dont understand why this keeps happening to me.

away

I will probably regret what i'm about to write eventually cause there'll be repercussions later on but if i don't write and have some catharsis i might get a stroke. a stroke at the age of nineteen. i'm too young to have a stroke. so i will write here all the grumpy and angry and confused thoughts i have even though I might not really mean them but since i'm crawling out of my skin now i don't care.

I love my friends.

I can't wait to get away from all of the secrets and lies and truths mixed up together in a giant mesh because it's killing me and driving me crazy and i'm awful at discerning between truth and lies or sincerity and insincerity. so what if the only thing i can do is run away? it's self preservation. I'm sick and tired of all this and i just want to get away from all the history. all the god forsaken history that is sickeningly familiar, pun on familiar, and sickeningly sweet history stored away. and i can't take the juxtaposition of kindness and the gnawing suspicion of hypocrasy and insincerity and evil. because yes it's so easy to lie. or maybe lies of omission. who knows. but the worst thing is not feeling everything or nothing or regret or loneliness. the worst feeling is being trapped without bars. trapped by all this. what is this. i'm not even sure what 'this' is. 'this' is still intangible for me. lies deception not being able to escape who knows. and the worst part is even if i get away from all this there will still be more waiting for me over there in the uk where i'll know nothing and have close to no friends at all. I might get robbed and beat up and left in a ditch to die and who knows maybe i'll finally get away from all this although i would like it better if they gave me pain killers first.

I'm leaving on the 24 of september.

food

I hope that ten years from now I'll have found some one who'd sit up with me till two a.m. eating ice cream, picking slivers of sliced microwaved salami and slotting them between our teeth. drinking tea. and there'd be a can of whipped cream. and we'd watch movies or play cards or some other game. maybe the spongebob version of life. some one who'd sit with me with lots of blankets in the middle of the night when the rest of the world is asleep.

flowers on the table. books on the shelves. socks on our feet because it's cold outside. and sweaters too. stupid jokes, the kinds that are only funny at five in the morning when you haven't slept much. or maybe stupid jokes that only you get because you know each other so well.

we'd buy peaches in summer and cider in fall. and maybe after raking our leaves we'll jump around inside of them. or at least we'd think about it very seriously before deciding that we were too lazy and we'd go inside and maybe we'd read our books. or listen to our music. and maybe we'd go shopping. or we might go over to our neighbour's house to borrow their pet hamsters to race them. we wouldn't have our own cause we'd hate taking a care of annoying rodents.

and maybe once in a while we'd go for a walk.


at this hour i can't think of much else aside from food.

things

I need to write about my birthday. but again, I don't feel up to it. kind of feel like crap. but I guess I deserve it. too late. I knew it would turn out this way. the set up was all too familiar. I guess it's ok, just have to keep going.

but it was nice being fed turtle soup.

overdue

I need to write about my birthday, but i'm kind of in a distracted angry mood right now. so maybe i'll write about it later. it's quite overdue.

days

I want to have days like this for ten years. and longer and more and forever.

warm loving azure days.

improvements

I think life has improved dramatically since I became jobless. waking up slowly each morning and stretching and taking your time getting out of bed without having to worry about getting to work on time is like awesome.

so when I met up with deb and martina today, martina was so red she was glowing and deb's hair was blue. we had a comforting dinner with beef and chewy noodles. a shield from the world. and a coconut. I love coconuts. they're so refreshing and delicious.

I went to get some books on law today and felt very overwhelmed when I saw all the thick leather bound volumes on the shelf. the shelf seemed to keep growing and growing and bending over me. like a giant. it made me a little nervous.

went window shopping for a while, while deb took a bath at some random gymn that sprung out of no where. found nice notebooks and over priced pottery.

things.

I'm free! today was such a good day. I discovered that i can take music lessons in university within the school. it makes me very excited.