Sunday, December 24, 2006

christmas period

I love christmas. It's my favourite time of the year. I love how every one comes together and laughs and eats; I love the food. Turkey and stuffing and lamb and baby potatoes and all that.

I don't like, however, the crowds densely packed into narrow corridors or underground passes, not much helped by buskers that take up a lot of space. and I really can't stand hearing one hundred different renditions of every christmas song. some of them are really irritating.

I spent way too much on christmas shopping this year, which is gonna throw some colour on all the fun. I feel kind of guilty, cause I'm not earning my own money yet. and I haven't even finished buying half of what I need to get. ugh. I suppose I could wait to get paid for my upcoming job and give a lot of belated christmas presents.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

notes.

open. blur. shut. black.

I opened my eyes and saw some vague far off lights in a misty inky darkness. I shut them and all the lights died. they were put out. why am I here? I opened my eyes. the world wasn't right, it was all topsy turvy in the wrong angle. oh. I am on the ground. my sluggish thoughts labour to recall what happened. pictures come back in fragments.

my vision slowly begins to clear. I don't move. I notice a dull nauseating pain in my chest. wait, it's everywhere, slowly revealing itself like a tidal wave running down my abdomen. I want to sleep it off; just lie there on the hard gravel and tarred surface and sink into blessed oblivion. how easy it would be to slip and let go. dark shadows creep around the edges of my vision, eating into the street lamp, the black road, the white paint stained a sticky dark red.

It's a little strange to see the dark red stain creeping across the white stripe. The stain is spreading. It wants to engulf the white stripe like a phagocytotic cell and consume the whiteness, leaving only the red. The red glistens under the street lamp.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

scars

we all have scars that mark the old wounds that never really healed, festering beneath the skin that grew back over where it was punctured; like infection in the bone. sometimes they burst open. rupture and release blood plasma that oozes and runs. and you sit still and try to stop the flow, saying please God make it stop, but it doesn't stop. you press towels and tissue, trying to absorb and wipe up the pus and blood making a horrible mess.

eventually, your heart rate slows down. eventually the blood clots and you think you're fine but you don't know if it's just for now and you wonder if all your blood might just burst out of your skin from all the old scars and wounds you've collected.

changes

when did you become a penny? I wasn't observing closely because there was no reason for me to. I always liked you, and that was enough. a good person is a good person, and we need more of them in the world. it was enough knowing you existed. it was a good thought.

later I thought maybe there was more than what I saw at first. I was mistaken. I wasn't familiar enough. but no, they said it wasn't. they said that you were different. you hadn't always been a penny.

clay has a lot of potential don't you think? it can be moulded into anything. art. but amateurs are familiar with the feeling of working so hard on something and churning out crap in the end. I vaguely saw it played out then, in front of me; like a tragedy that happens in slow motion that we can't stop because we're not in any position to do any thing. time stretches out only to taunt you; the tragic fall is drawn out. I wasn't really paying attention. all those forces acted, shaped you. a penny came out of all that time and energy. that didn't seem quite right. I wanted the time and effort to be proportionate to the product. you weren't supposed to become a penny. it wasn't supposed to be this way.

so now, I'm shouting at you through thick panes of glass, through windows, even though it's none of my concern. expectation and disappointment can drive a person to bother. then again, once bitten, twice shy. I don't expect you to hear me now. there's no reason for you to be listening out for me. I'll be less disappointed when you continue this way instead of stopping to check yourself. I'll stop shouting at the end of this sentence.

simple things

I love eating bite-size triangles of peanut butter and banana sandwiches. sticky and creamy and sweet with the crusts removed. it doesn't really make up for missing dinner with everyone, but it is very comforing.

I suppose on days like this, most of it spent in contemplation, it's nice to have something simple and old school. something out of kindergarten.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

The Jaguar

The apes yawn and adore their fleas in the sun.
The parrots shrike as if they were on fire, or strut
Like cheap tarts to attract the stroller with the nut
Fatigued with indolence, tiger and lion

Like still as te sun. The boa-constrictor's coil
Is a fossil. Cage after cage seems empty, or
Stinks of sleepers from the breathing straw.
It might be painted on a nursery wall.

But who runs like the rest past these arrives
At a cage where the crowd stands, stares, mesmerized,
As a child at a dream, at a jaguar hurrying enraged
Through prison darkness after the drills of his eyes

On a short fierce fuse. Not in boredom-
The eye satisfied to be blind in fire,
By the bang of blood in the brain deaf the ear-
He spins from the bars, but there's no cage to him

More than to the visionary his cell:
His stride is wildernesses of freedom:
The world rolls under the long thrust of his heel
Over the cage floor the horizons come.
-T. Hughes

Saturday, December 09, 2006

transition

your words meant so much before.
I cried for days after we said goodbye,
knowing how I'd miss you more
as each day passed by.

your words mean so little now,
when I pick up the well meant card,
faded with bold vowels and consonants
drawn out on the interior.

what was the point then?
you didn't know me well,
your kind words meant little to you
and mean nothing now.

what is the point then?
your old words
meant much to me then
but do not move me now.

-R. Duschene

Friday, December 08, 2006

a day at the beach

warning: this is going to be very long. I hope it isn't as boring as dreadful edmund blunden. my greatest fear in the world is writing like edmund blunden and making lit students want to commit suicide over dead boring accounts of what ever.
_________________

It was a very bright and hot day. The sand was a light off-white colour and reflected much of the sun light, making the glare more intense. They had cordoned of much of the beach in preparation for the party so we had to walk close to the shore, which was difficult. After a while, crystal, zel and I took our slippers off and walked along the wet sand, where the waves touched the beach.

The sand was so soft. It was a fine powdery soft; like silk. It was almost like walking on air. And it was quite warm, because of the sun. we crossed a lopsided bridge, and dropped our things off in the shade. some people busied themself with sun block or tanning lotion.

The water was.. well I guess you could call it gorgeous. I'm sure there are plenty of other beaches out in the world where the water is clearer, more pristine and more blue, but we're in Singapore so you take what you can get. The water was clear. There was a lovely gradient leading away from the shore. It started out with a sandy beige, which melted into a brilliant turquoise and darkened to a blue. we splashed around for a while and played circle of truth in the water. the boys took their shirts off.

some of the girls, me included, decided to dig a hole and bury kenneth's shirt like the last time; almost like a tradition for every time we go to the beach. unfortunately the tide came in and washed away our markers. when he wanted to go buy food, he of course needed his shirt lest he get arrested for indecent exposure and made children cry. we realised we didn't know where it was. so started a mass excavation of the beach in search of kenneth's dark gray t-shirt which was buried along the shore a short distance away from the large boulders. he borrowed zhenrong's shirt and went off to eat. angry.

all of us, and this is what I loved about it, all of us present started digging around in the sand and discussing and straining to remember and strategising our digging to find the dark gray t-shirt. amos said to dump the sand above the hole so the water didn't wash it back in. david was digging with his feet, because it was less painful. xiangning said it was under water. some one said it was buried deep, some one said it wasn't. we messed up the beach. we broke nails. we got abrasions on our fingers ploughing through the coarse sand. dark clouds were gathering in the sky and there was thunder. crud. in our frantic search, I finally tugged on some soft material and pulled out the sandy shirt. and everybody, upon uncovering the lost gray t-shirt [at last!], cheered.

I guess we were all quite drained after that. we decided to pack up and head to palawan beach. some of us bought iced coffee along the way; very yummy because of the whipped cream. hafiz bought lunch for us on the way in, so some of us ate at the benches and talked about things. when I went back I found, I can't really remember, qinyi? holding a clear lump of gellatin in her palm. Apparently it was a dried up dead jellyfish. a very moist dried up dead jellyfish. It looked more jellyfish-like when we dumped it in a pail of sea water. so proceeded a long debate on whether the transparent blob really was a jellyfish or not. it didn't have any tentacles or stinging devices. It had that typically jelly fish iridescent look in the water. no visible organs. it had the wrong number of sections. It had patterns on the side that looked jellyfish-like. However, during the debate over whether it really was a jellyfish or not, zhenrong tore the unfortunate lump in half.

I stood on the beach where the waves crashed and contemplated old sec four physical geography: constructive and destructive waves. despite the large amount of people: screaming children, irritating couples, some obnoxious teenagers, parents, uncles, aunties; I felt really at peace standing on the beach with destructive waves crashing over my feet.

Crystal found another mutilated jellyfish that was foetus-shaped. she delivered it into my care along with shells she collected while I talked to Samuel. The sun was low in the sky. Samuel found a flat rock on the beach and skipped it. and so, I rediscovered the simple pleasure of skipping stones. The last time I skipped a stone was eight years ago when we were at Chesapeake bay. it was a very nostalgic moment. Vivienne and I started gathering stones where the sand was dry and bringing them to the water and skipping them. later on I found, just sitting there waiting for me, the perfect skipping stone on the edge of the water. It was a smooth glistening black stone and was quite flat and relatively oval shaped. I decided to keep it.

We went to vivocity for dinner. Most of us went to eat at Banquet, but Sam, Vivienne and I went to Carl's Junior. Samuel, being obsessed over Carl's Junior like a deprived starving african child sunken in extreme poverty, was eager to eat a very very very large juicy burger which he finished in five minutes. he seemed very satisfied and pleased with himself. I would be too, I guess.

It was a really good day. thanks for such a nice day.

After dinner I took the train home with kenneth and amirah. I saw Barry on the bus but he didn't recognise me. I was secretly running to catch up with him when we got off the bus, but he walks so fast and his house is near the bus stop. pity.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

noon walk on the asylum lawn

The summer sun ray
shifts through a suspicious tree.
though I walk through the valley of the shadow
It sucks the air
and looks around for me.

The grass speaks.
I hear green chanting all day.
I will fear no evil, fear no evil
The blades extend
and reach my way.

The sky breaks.
It sags and breathes upon my face.
In the presence of mine enemies, mine enemies
The world is full of enemies.
There is no safe place.

A. Sexton

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

graduation

prom was good fun. really good fun.

Monday, December 04, 2006

five

Last night I stayed up till a quarter to two planning and preparing eunice's birthday event. when morning came I dragged myself out of bed. I had to get up at eight and leave the house by nine.

today all five of the j2 ac percs met up to celebrate eunice's birthday. what fun! we organised and planned a treasure hunt through the botanic gardens for her. The treasure hunt, based on the nutcracker, involved the friendly guide played by crystal, the grumpy mouse king played by arthur, brendan... just read on, and myself as a snow sprite.

euniee took forever looking for arthur's 'magic' blue stickers. brendan and I were melting while we were waiting and reading our books. well, him more so because he was practially in a green house.

the 'prettiest' [note the allusion to the time when dr lee's personal trainer said that the girl playing the timpani for 1812 overture during muse was very pretty] sugar plum fairy was played by brendan. our dear sugar plum fairy gave eunice the choice to either swim in Swan lake or be glittered. swimmer or shimmer as he put it. so eunice got glitter on her face, which was very entertaining.

it all ended in the white bandstand [ i like to call it a gazebo], with me asking eunice retarded questions, lest she be chased away by rabid octopi. and I presented her with her present wrapped in white tissue tied with a green bow. I assume she was overwhelmed with happiness and excitement. damn straight too, because it was pretty; plus I had to face a chinese speaking uncle and nod and smile and pretend I knew what he was saying just to get it.

after having very yummy chocolate cake which arthur, having good taste, chose, we went to crystal jade for lunch and had a ball bonding over la mian and xiao long bao. yummy! and we played circle of truth and, well, it was a really good time.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

love

I love my sc percs so much. meeting up today cleared all the gray mist away. and we talked about the future, what our plans were, how we'd help each other out...

Deborah invited me over to her gorgeous home for a delicious dinner. her parents are really nice and hospitable. after dinner I helped them set up the christmas tree which was very therapeutic.

I feel like I lost something. I'm not sure what.

thoughts

I have a very wide personal space. It keeps people farther away than I actually want them to be. I'm afraid to reveal things, or burden others with my troubles or just talk about what I'm thinking or feeling because... I don't even know. I realised that barely any one knows me. really knows me. it was a very lonely and depressing thought.

brendan came up on stage after the whole performance was over and said the usual things about 'last concert' and so on, to try and make me cry. it was cruelly ironic that when I looked up, his eyes were red and teary. I wish I could have been up there with you. pathos.

so here I am at home, crying and crying and crying my heart out. because... I don't even know why. because of too many things that can't be said because it would mean exposure. vulnerability. maybe I have trust issues.

it's just one of those days.