nightmare

I dreamt that I had horrifically bad grammar last night. I wrote using heinous abbreviations and found myself unable to do otherwise. goodness, bad grammar is just the worst thing in the world next to white framed glasses.

must be my anxiety over literature essays.

books

I feel powerful when I'm in a bookstore. yesterday I stumbled upon a huge red volume of Jane Austen's complete works. It had pictures. pictures. I really wanted it, but I would probably end up reading so much and neglecting my work. damn.

I can just imagine myself in a big comfy chair wrapped up in a blanket on a rainy night, sitting by the window with that enormous volume open on my lap and reading late into the night. sounds warm and toasty. yum.

Aside from Jane Austen's huge volume, I found a collection of second world war poetry and 'The Handmaid's Tale' by margaret atwood in the literature section. It dawned upon me that I will probably be like dad when I grow up; buying countless books on impulse. sometimes I feel like buying the whole store. new books make me feel powerful.

warning

just hurry up and tell me before I go away forever. for goodness sake, there's no time; I'm beginning to run out of air.

can't sleep

chase away the dreams, the horrible dreams. I seem to be living in some vague shakespearean tragedy whenever I go to sleep. first his mother dies, and then I turn into a violent psychopath, breaking glass fish. perhaps I get shot by a mad woman, or they end up hating each other. or perhaps that person whom I haven't seen in a long while comes back with a mad shock of hair. or maybe I'll see mama standing again, with a cup of tea next to her on the counter and her hair in a bun.

They follow you around for the rest of the day you know. maybe a week, maybe a month. maybe a year. maybe the rest of your life.

fun and trouble

Our class bade farewell to mr. yung on friday. We got him a cake and candles that could relight. It was really funny to see the sparks flying out. I'm gonna miss him and his jokes. We did stupid things like running after kenneth during his 2.4 run even though none of us knew him, aside from me. We got it on film.

Friday was fun.

Coming to Saturday, well, I'm not sure. I feel quite troubled about school. I feel right as rain when I let my imagination go off about white roses and muffins, which is not healthy.

nap

Imagine waking to the lovely smell of cheese and toasted bread. It's nice to find thick slices of toast on your table when you finally open your eyes.

Do I sound dreamy somtimes? I suppose I do, probably because I get caught up in my day dreams alot. Anyways I feel very peaceful presently, though I can't really explain why.

something

something's wrong. I'm bundled up in a warm jacket zipped all the way up to cover my mouth, sitting in my room and shivering beneath the layers.

please.

Turandot

the opera just keeps playing in my head. everything shifts and gets jumbled up into one long confused Italian opera. but it's alright, I just switch on my music to set everything straight.

Opera reminds me of fat people.

today

and so it has been decided that I will be shipped off to a foreign country to study music after this year. It's partly for exposure as well, I suppose.

school was exceedingly fun today [except for the numerous encounters with obnoxious individuals outside]. And despite the enormous workload that I knew would be waiting for me at home, I felt as right as rain at dinner, which consisted of meatballs and good company.

stringendo

I hope we can always be playing badminton like we were today. I hope we can always be laughing and shouting and cheering.

public humiliation

and so now the whole world knows that I am unforgivably gay sometimes. yeah, ok, so maybe sometimes I cry over plays and symphony no. 5. I like them, it's no big deal.

All I need now is beethoven's pastoral symphony. yeah, the gayness doth spilleth over.

what more

what more can you ask for with white roses in hand and the assurance that He'll be there whenever you call. It's all very peaceful.

empty my heart, I've got to make room for this feeling that's so much bigger than me.

talking

I'm hoping that you'll come and take me away. I don't want to escape, I just want to catch a glimpse of the sky.

beginning

and so my day began with a lovely chat with dear derek. I knew it would be a good day after. mom's friend at the coin shop gave me a three hundred year old coin, which is officially going to be my new good luck charm.

I spent most of my day with martina, doubled up with laughter about being a hainanese princess and being obnoxious on the train. plus, we had some good retail therapy. well, it could have been better for me, but it was alright.

It wasn't spectacular, but it was alright. I guess the main dampener was the horrendous lunch I was subjected to. I am convinced that the restaurant coated their ingredients in msg before cooking and serving.

today

The day started off with the J2s asking the permanent secretary hard questions. I found his answers evasive and vague. Altogether, he struck me as a very condescending and conceited person. It was incredibly entertaining watching him, in my opinion, squirm up at the podium.

We had David's scavenger hunt, which I did not watch. We had some cake, a barnhouse and photos with lots of people I did not know and who did not know me. I sat down with Crystal and studied and slept by the desk while listening to music. We had sectionals, laughed, juggled with sticks and ate wen long's pocky.

And yet, at the end of the day I found myself alone at the bleachers feeling miserable and bursting into tears.

today.

welcome to life. leave your fairytales at the door.

Fascism

A system of government marked by centralization of authority under a dictator, stringent socioeconomic controls, suppression of the opposition through terror and censorship, and typically a policy of belligerent nationalism and racism.

waste

It's almost one o'clock in the morning. I was going to sleep earlier, but I was called to watch the results of the general election [not that I mind, I was a little curious to know the outcome]. what a waste of my time it was! I sat there watching PAP winning constituency after constituency. I should have just gone to bed.

On a lighter note, I have started listening to Puccini's Turandot; the actual opera instead of the orchestration. It's not quite as noisy as I expected it to be. It makes me want to burst out laughing. Not because it's ridiculous or anything, it's actually really nice at some parts. Thank God for geniuses who write things like these.

disgruntled

I meant to write that I was feeling disgruntled over my lack of talent, or [if I do have any] talent that doesn't really have an outlet. but my full day of musical therapy has left me feeling, well, happy.

but I realised that I am not very good at much. I'm only good at swallowing a lot of pills at one shot, and a few other things that aren't of very great importance.

thing.

Smile, child, because you haven't a care in the world.
Keep dreaming about flying and being a bird when you grow up;
about flowers and fields and rivers.
Eyes focused heavenward,
It will be alright.

beethoven

I think it's heinous when people try to incorporate classical music into modern music. It might work out sometimes, but the result is usually abhorrent. For example, fur elise [though I never liked it much] being maimed into some techno trash? Techno, is the most vile filth ever invented by human kind.

I never liked beethoven that much. The first movement of his 5th symphony has been played so often that it has become, in my opinion, a little cliche.

But have you heard the second movement? I can't stop giggling when the fanfares begin, I like them alot. And at the finale, it really is taking you somewhere.

So, thank God for beethoven and his symphonies.

tribute

Thank God for Brahms. Thank God for his piano concerto no. 1 in D minor. It's one of the best things you'll hear if you have the time.

Thank God for Bach. Thank God for his wonderful cello suites; his sarabandes.

tiresome

dear Mr. I-love-sueing-the-pants-off-everyone,

just stop it. we're all very tired of these tantrums. or as the little girl put it,' just go away.'

questions

could we always be laughing? please say that we may; that we may always be together laughing over everything and nothing. I couldn't bear it if it weren't so.

will love ever be what it should be?
no, I don't suppose it will ever be.
all I can perceive is a darkness surrounding the whole affair,
and not the honesty and openess that should be there.

now that we're here

It seems that a lot of things have become unsure, now that we're eighteen, or soon to be. What are we planning to do after we leave JC? It seems like I finally have the weight of responsibility for myself on my chest. I talked about my future with my family today.

while trying to reason all of it out, all I could think about was Bach's gigue from his first suite for the cello. It enters the mind so quietly and slowly and makes one smile.