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I'm selling my drum set. call me.

sleepless nights

I barely slept at all last night. I just lay in the dark trying to fall asleep. which didn't work. maybe it's my anxiety about leaving. or maybe anxiety about danger lurking in the corners of the room.

anyway yesterday was a great day. after having way too much for lunch, we went to this place along the river with really nice desserts. I think it's a branch of menottis or something. and of course in the evening there was the kicking barbeque. It was almost like old times. almost, because some people were missing. but it was really warm and fuzzy anyway.

the korean missionaries

I read that they finally returned home. thank God for mercies like that. really, even though they are probably traumatised and will be haunted by their bad memories for a while, it's great that they managed to return home. I am sure their families and friends are really relieved, and I am happy for them.

but at the same time, I can't help but feel a little irritated that despite warnings, they went to a country with an infamous islamic fundamentalist group with a reputation for slaughtering outsiders, or anyone who does not share their beliefs. I mean, yes, it's good that they wanted to spread the word of God, it's very ideal. kudos for their good intentions. but if you wanna go to a country with an established terrorist oragnisation around, and threaten their belief system, you better be prepared to die. because going in there, being aware of the danger but still thinking that every thing is going to be howdy doodie is ridiculous.

anxiety

felicia teo wei ling was my best friend in primary six. we were still close in lower secondary school before we kind of drifted apart.

goddamn it, I was horrified to find out she was missing. and now she's still missing. missing, like all the dark thoughts that come along with that word crowd around the edge of your mind that you don't want to look at in full view. like peripheral vision. it might be real, it might not be real. you don't want to risk looking because you don't want to consider that they might be real. if they remain in your peripheral vision you can still believe that your eyes are playing tricks on you.

I was looking at all her recent photos. she's very pretty now and seems to be having the time of her life. well, before she went missing that is. I haven't spoken to her since I was fifteen. it's been four years, and god, I never thought something like this would happen.

damn it where is she. I wish we hadn't lost touch.

odds and ends

while clearing my room of old papers and files I found an old hong bao with money inside! what a nice surprise. I wonder how I missed it before.

I also came across my first diary. a stupid colourful book with an enormous smiley face on the front. where my writing began. and what a horrible start I had. I was awful.

I went to Lawrys with dad last night. I'm not sure how to spell that. dad actually wanted to go to garibaldis because I kept telling him about it before, but they were fully booked. back to Lawreys; the waitressing uniforms are ridiculous. I almost laughed out loud at them when I walked in. dad let me drink some red wine. I guess he thought it was quite funny that his youngest was already legal for alcohol.

there was a noisy baby at the table next to us. damn it, they should just ban noisy children from places like these. you pay for a nice meal and have to endure the awful din that the child/children at the next table is/are creating.

I bought another journal to add to what is fast becoming a collection of empty journals. I like getting new journals with blank pages that you can do anything with. the prospect of filling the empty pages with thoughts and words and maybe even brief sketches, is exciting. like how a painter might feel about blank canvas.