oranges

must read Oranges are Not the Only Fruit after A levels. I laughed from eight o'clock in the morning to nine o'clock in the evening over one little passage. I kept imagining an old woman with white hair, being very agitated about her enemies which include the Devil and slugs, shouting through the walls, 'Vengeance is mine saith the Lord' during her Sunday morning prayer and meditation.

I took a good look at my exam schedule. every time I look at it, my heart rate begins to pick up speed but my surroundings begin to slow down into a fuzz. like compartmentalisation in a lipid membrane impermeable to H+ ions in equilibrium with water with a twenty percent probability at a ninety five percent confidence interval of being awoken by the redemptive power of natural human relationships while remaining nonchalant about the plight of the soldier.

my life condensed on the flimsy sheet of white paper in front of me.

thing.

today was so much sweet fun. lunch was entertaining. chemistry was comical. sneaking around in the evening was exciting. and every thing every thing every thing was hilarious.

gaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.

having this much fun a few days before the A levels should be a sin illegal.

days

I spent my morning fighting my way through irritating children and their even more irritating parents, who tend to have this habit of charging into the elevetor before the people inside have gotten out. is there some prime standing spot in the lift that they are rushing for? what would happen if we stand near the door? or by the back? God forbid if we should miss this lift and have to wait a whole thirty seconds for the next one! no, it's too terrible for contemplation!

anywaaays after spending two hours racking my brain over math and feeling incompetent, I wandered the streets like some starving peasant wearing a blank zombie-stare with only one thing on my mind : coffee.

coffee. coffee. coffee. coffee. coffee.

no other thought penetrated my mind on my long search for a coffee outlet. and when I finally got a nice iced latte with whipped cream, I scooped out the whipped cream with my straw and licked it up. yummy satisfying. of course, the nice cold milky coffee hit my brain like an electric shock. perky.

notes

joaquin rodrigo's concierto pastoral, fantasia para un gentilhombre transcribed for flute, aria antigua.

today was a nice day. a very nice day.

the handmaid's tail. the blind assassin. pride and prejudice.

happiness

hugs are warm and smarmy.

enthusiasm

after a full day of ploughing through different subjects, my brain has turned to a puree. and in this very jelly-like state of mind, it feels so good to be alive and just breathing. just put me some where and let me play songs in my head or sing to myself and it would be ok; I would be alright.

my heart aches, my heart breaks. but I don't mind I guess. it's ok. It's such a blessing to be able to feel. those little hurts make you appreciate everything else around you.

I love it. just embracing each moment that's bestowed upon me in such a beautiful world. jump out of bed each day, eager to start living another gorgeous day; another wonderful day in God's hands.

dear God, take this day and make it yours!

fragments

I had a very nice smarmy tea today. oatmeal! with raspberry jam and sliced bananas. so smarmy and yummy.

after being exposed to something very cutesy and dreamy, I feel like being ferocious.

roar.

I think Japanese pop culture is the worse thing ever. I wish it was wiped off the face of this earth. It is so heinous and vile. just thinking about the ugly leg warmers and the really, really, indescribably bad hair makes me cringe. cosplayers bear the appearance of some disinherited race.
I want to stomp on it. very violently.

anywaaays, I have a funny shocking story. ask me if you want to know, because it's fun to tell.

song.

say you'll share with me one love, one life time
say the word and I will follow you
say you'll want me with you here, beside you.

anywhere you go let me go too!
love me, that's all I ask of you.

dreamy

give me more dreamy love stories that are unrealistic and will never come true. yay. they make me happy when they don't make me sad.

haze

for the past few days weeks, sitting at the bleachers in the morning, one could observe an orange disc dragging itself up into the sky against a gray backdrop. what an inspiring start to each day. this trend has become unrelenting. every day, every morning, one is subject to the dreary white dust that permeates the air; that hurts the lungs and makes the sun look like a red wafer that was pasted in the sky. [note my completely irrelevant allusion to The Red Badge of Courage. too much information]

today it felt as if some unknown force had taken a handful of white, hot ash and thrown it into the air. heat seemed to radiate off each cursed particle suspended in the air that burned the lungs.

pain.

I wonder if keeping a secret is dishonest.

I spent the last fifteen minutes writing about something that happened when I was five. then I decided that nobody needs to know about it, so I canceled everything and decided to write this un-juicy entry. I think the only other person who knew about it died in a tsunami.

she deserved it.

mix

while ferverently praying in church for God to send me a miracle, because, let's face it, I am in a lot of trouble, God said to me,

'be not afraid, I go before you always.'

which was really comforting and warm and fuzzy. feeling a sense of peace, I plunged into my day, ready to get a load of work done.

yet that didn't happen. I kept getting nagging panic stricken thoughts. at the end of the day, I couldn't help feeling miserable and alone in my vast ignorance.

thing

I waited till I caught the sun,
wrapped it in gold paper,
took a bite from the glowing orb
and passed it on.

the next person was messy,
and dripped light everywhere.
it spilled onto her shirt,
and got tangled in her hair.

and it went on to the next,
and the next, and the next.
until we all had that warmth
pulsing in our chests.

-R. Duschesne

friday the thirteenth

today was such a good day. that friday the thirteenth superstition is absolute nonsense.

after spending most of my day in the smr, trying to do math and remember ecology, I met mom and iris for dinner. the food was nice I guess, but the conversation was achingly funny; about how iris and I always used to leave our socks in the car, until a mountain of socks formed and mom would get angry. how we used to eat sweets in the car and desperately stuff the wrappers into the astray. and how I often forgot to bring my shoes to school.

I am a little afraid of the upcoming a levels. there is barely any time left at all.

close the door

something I should put behind me. imagine one of those things that you dream about, that you hope about. despite that little hopeful voice at the back of your mind, you know that it isn't realistic; you can go on hoping, but don't be too upset when it doesn't come true.

and maybe it's my turn
to tug my cloud back to earth,
fold it up quietly;
lay it to rest in a photo album,
in a book.

no overwhelming sorrow,
it is quiet.
like when the sun sinks into the sea,
closing a long day.
like when you finish the final chapter of a story,
turn the page over, and put the book away.

feeling dreamy

the auditory manifestation of beauty. music? truly, yes.

chords, notes, rhythms, dynamics and so much more combined to produce gorgeous effects. different instruments in an orchestra, or even a voice.

and the voice of someone you love, doesn't have to sing, to be beautiful.

the last day

today was a beautiful day. really. we spent most of it reminescing.

my favourite part of today was taking photos and remembering how much we love each other. how much we'll miss each other. ugh. how much I'll miss every individual I have met during these two years.

we had a pizza party in class after the service. and I got some really sweet notes from people. really sweet. and what's really sad, is that I did manage to get to know some of the boys a little better, realising that they're really quite great people and that I won't have any more time to hang out with them. ok maybe I didn't get to know them much better, but we did bond over truth or dare. after a few rounds of truths and uncomfortable dares [andrew kissed my hand], the game finally lapsed into a series of prank calls. I sat down and listened to the boys make call after call, until de winne suddenly turned on me to make me scam a random boy.

I left to go meet crystal and david for sushi in town. we must have sat in the place for three hours at least. shu ying came later, but did not eat. it was really fun just sitting there and talking. and after a few large outbursts of laughter and a good number of plates of sushi, we left. we wandered around for about fifteen minutes after that, looking for a bathroom without shiny floors.

but the most fun thing was wandering around the better toy store, and imagining how much more fascninating life would be with the wooden contraptions on display. and spending an endless amount of time trying to figure out strange puzzles. I bought a box, hoping there would be solutions inside. Alas! it was not so.

books

I walked slowly between the shelves that were lined with books, and trailed my fingers across the spine of each volume. that was the most I could allow myself to do: touch the book, take it down. look at the cover. put it back.

look at all the books waiting to be read. waiting to be taken down and have it's contents spilled out. you could read them quietly or read them outloud. either way would be fine. and there's so much to be learnt out of all of them. and they're such good companions on rainy days.

but some restraint is necessary, lest I start reading so much that I stop giving my work due attention and end up doing badly for those dreadful exams.

end

and so tomorrow hails the last day of school. my last official day in acjc. has it been two years already? so much has happened, can we have reached the end already? it seems like only yesterday when I first stepped into the school. so many people I have only brushed pass without getting to know better. and now there's no more time left. my last day.

I will not cry. there's nothing to cry about. I'll still come back to study, I'll still be taking my dreadful a levels in school. there's nothing sad about it. this so called 'last day' is undermined by the looming mock exams and intensive [I hope] hours of studying in school. there's nothing to cry about, so I will not cry. you shouldn't try to make me cry because I will not. it would be so gay.

morning

it was still dark when mom came downstairs. that's nothing new, it always is. I was still half asleep, sitting up in bed, when she came in. after spending a few pointless minutes asking me if I was going to school, she pushed my shoulder and I flopped backwards into bed and sleep like a ragdoll.

when light started seeping into the room, she woke me up again and told me that someone from school was on the phone. I was obliged to drag myself out of bed and tumble over the sheets towards the phone. they were just checking to see if I had any of those symptoms they've been worrying about lately.

I guess everybody else is doing the chem mock now. I think I'll go make myself a peanut butter sandwich.

today

I wasted most of my day watching the bbc version of pride and prejudice. it's such a feel good story. can't help smiling from the beginning to the end, and long after the end. oh, I should bring myself back to earth though. A levels. and I'm not exactly very well prepared. I hope God will be with me.

perhaps you'll see me smiling tomorrow.

blast from the past

oh my god. Stone Ridge graduation - class of 2006. everybody wore white dresses and was given a bouquet of red roses. they took photos at the white gazebo outside Hamilton house. oh my god, I can see caroline cullen, norah king. oh my god. rebecca gallogly, jamie, Alisa, marjorie billings. names just keep coming back. sister dyer, the headmistress, wearing a mortarboard. avneet, alexandra, katie moore, caitlin o'brien, my homework buddy. Dr. Webber?! my fat old history teacher.

they look so different, yet they look the same. they look gorgeous. it's strange, looking at them. they've grown up so much. I feel like I haven't grown at all.

oh goodness, Stone Ridge just knows how to have graduation ceremonies.

back to elementary

ok, I have to write this quickly because I really need to pee and I can't risk going to the bathroom and having my mind wiped of thoughts at the relief of emptying a highly pressurised bladder.

anyways 'single worded' poems, can't remember what they're actually called, like the ones Ms. Salata used to make us do. explore your literary-artistic-ness and write a poem.

light
glass
soft
snow
swish
flight
freedom

I never actually got the significance and I always thought it was a joke to occupy us 5th graders. I still don't get it.

relatively unimportant

maybe this whole thing about koizumi visiting the war shrine isn't the biggest deal in the world. I'm just curious over what it would be like to see through the eyes of people who want to pay their respects to long dead, god forsaken murderers.

but then again, the japanese education system doesn't include all those the dirty little secrets details about how their soldiers killed lots of innocent people in their syllabus. so I'm guessing that many japanese people are unaware of the disgraceful things that the japanese soldiers did during the second world war. they probably had a romanticised version of the war fed to them.

seriously, there really isn't anything glorious or honourable about bayoneting babies and regularly massacring civilians.

rosary

I haven't said the rosary for a while. After staying in school and studying into the night, when I get home, I usually go to bed immediately after washing up.

what a relief it was to pray the rosary today. drawing upon the Lord's prayer and the rest for strength and peace. what a relief after a moment of blind panic. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.