must be happy

christmas is coming we must smile.
I want to believe everything you say, but I don't. don't ask me why, it's complicated. maybe someone else will tell you the horrifying details.

heartache

I am so in love with the phantom of the opera. I prefer Gerard Butlers singing as compared to Michael Crawfords, even though Michael crawford has a much more powerful voice. [Anywhere you go, let me go too!]

I sang along with the songs and burst into tears.
pathetic.

shut up

here's the thing, if you got a problem, yeah, I'll be willing to listen and help you out if I can. But if you got a problem that you're just going to complain about without doing anything, just suffer in silence, because I don't wanna hear it.
What is the point of complaining to everyone, wasting their time while they give you advice, and in the end, not doing anything? omg.
piss people off.

my friend

I am thankful that you are here with me, friend. my limited vocabulary won't be able to show how grateful I am.

poglet

it's sad that Iris and I don't hang out with daniel and andrew. I think they're very agreeable. yes. I like to give nice presents and make people happy. I wonder what I will get for everyone for christmas. I really don't know.

oh crud, I don't know what to make of HER behaviour. I have a feeling that SHE took up the flute just because I took up the cello and SHE wanted to do something else as well. I guess SHE must have discovered that I play when SHE was snooping around my house 'visiting' my granny.

I get this feeling from the way SHE talks to hannah that everything SHE says is under the guise of trying to encourage hannah, while in truth everything SHE says is meant for bragging. so in a sense SHE's just using hannah to make HERSELF feel good.

that is so irritating. using casual dialogue to disguise your attempts to show off.
as for the uncle, did you ever earn the respect that we are forced to show you? how about your wife? you know, the one with no manners that enters my room without permission from anyone, when no one is home.

hey

I love you, won't you say you love me too?
why?
so I can destroy you of course. so I can drag you through the dirt. so I can humiliate you and put you down without you realising it. why? you won't realise because I'd be tryin to 'help' you 'better' yourself, it will be under the guise of those three wicked words we exchanged 'I love you.' of course I did not really mean it, but you did.

but you couldn't know that. poor fool.

not for me

Love was not made for me
Cupid has no time
He is with his Psyche

musings

no, I don't think I should dwell on how people tell lies. live in the present, not in the past!
right.
I feel like having a long island tea. I heard it's a lot of strong things mixed together, but after all the mixing, it tastes like lemon tea, somehow. I'm curious.
I have been eating continuously for the past few days, and I think I've been putting on weight. I'm trying to decide whether I care very much. I guess I am worried about scaring away little children with my enormous bulk. even if it means they would stop bothering, the idea implies that I would look incredibly monstrous.
I wanna start fencing again! I miss it so much, especially after I saw gabriel carrying around his epee. I almost cried. I miss fencing so much. I was kind of good at it.
One thing that is true about me, I always seek approval. I'm not sure if that's a good thing.

this is NOT escapism, it's truth

I blame the fairytales for making me believe in happy endings.

l-o-v-e

I fell in love with love.

but why? I think I've forgotten the really tragic reality: there is no love. [except where God is concerned]
I forgot pain, and i'm falling back into the trap of being naive. I am trying to be strong. I'm trying to convince myself that there is no love, but it's difficult. it's really different from what I used to believe.
I hate those people, the ones that pretended to be good, and pretended to really treasure goodness in such a 'cruel world'[they were escapists], when in truth, they're the ones that destroy innocence and goodness.
I don't know whether this cold attitude is inevitable for every person. I didn't used to be so cynical, but I am now. It's a sad thing. but do I want to go back? I don't know, because now I'm afraid bad things will happen all over again. that's what you get when you trust everybody - cynicism.

I guess I better wake up, and realize there are no knights, no heroes. we're just stuck with liars and cheaters who don't care a hang.

I like

I like those gold fireworks you see, that come down in showers.
I love lillies.
and music.
I adore the phantom of the opera.
I like stories, as long as I know they're stories. It's different when they're lies. I don't like lies.
I like fresh bagels with cream cheese.
I like whipped cream.
I like laughing. no, I love laughing.
I like green and red, but not together.
I like to sing.
I like the wind when it lifts my hair. out of my face, that is.
I love starwars.
I love animals. except reptiles, I don't really like reptiles. and I generally don't like little boys either.
I like snow.
I love cherryblossoms in spring time.
and I love fiery trees in autumn.
I like fresh rasberries in my ice cream.
I like sleepovers.
I like spotting constellations.
I like pie. especially apple pie and coconut cream pie.
I like toasted marshmallows.
I'm in love with no one in particular but I feel like I am.

what a funny thing love is.

what

omg, I think today is like my ranting day.
I don't seem like someone who would care about love. I don't think people think I do anyway. how ironic that I secretly depress[to a very small extent, because depression is really dumb and shows a lack of self control] myself over thoughts of love. the whole feminism and man hating is kinda misleading.
I go on and on distracting myself and then I go right back to the same thoughts. what a waste of energy. but I'm not sure I could force myself to stop caring.
oh well, the world is bright and sunny. I should devote more time to thinking up ways to help starving children in Africa and inventing a cure for AIDS or something.

distractions

hurm, I really shouldn't rage like that. I need to find a more distractions from the void. but here's the thing, turning your face away won't make it go away, it might just get worse while you're not looking. hm, I don't know what to do then.
but I'm not helpless, there are always distractions. I'll go immerse myself in like, I don't know, music or something. I think I'll get to perform on the piano at the esplanade in December. I don't know whether it will be the grand of the standing piano though. probably standing. but the thought is still exciting

let go

I'm sick of my god damned past.
I wish there was a prince charming, or a happy ending waiting out there for me. I keep my idealism about how you don't need to be in a relationship to lead a perfectly fulfilling and happy life. but I mean the kind of happy endings that you find when you meet someone you know you could love forever and ever.
I feel broken sometimes, knowing the truth. there is no such thing.
I am not going to blame the world for all my problems, I think that's just escapism. Whatever bad things that have happened, I guess I know it's because of my own irresponsibility.

sit on the roof and look for constellations. they must be somewhere up there even if they are dimmed by the glare of the city lights.

Romeo and Juliet

what I loved about the Imperial Russian Ballet was that there were no words. No whiny little Juliet or Romeo, such that I didn't get fed up with them. In fact, the ballet was just down right lovely. I think I've fallen in love with Mercutio. how tragic.
The worse part is that I listen to phantom of the opera music all the time, lulling me into thinking that love exists.
'Anywhere you go let me go too!'[desperate pleading]

I really truly wish it did.

boom

'I trust you'
It would be funny if my life was a play, because that would've been dramatic irony. I shouldn't trust people as much, and I really try to be more cynical now. It's funny how the world takes good things and just tears them up and ruins them.
I want to cry. I've made so many mistakes trusting the wrong people. I hate to admit it but I'm SCARED. I'm so fucking afraid of myself making the same mistakes, I don't want all that to happen again.
I don't know, somethings have a big impact on you even though you don't want them to. Suffering makes you stronger.
I always try to be strong.