meetings

well after stuffing myself like a pig at lunch this afternoon with aunty doris and mum and iris, we went to see egret and teoteo, who said that I have gotten fat. but that's ok, because I think he's gotten short. besides I really like teoteo, who recently had a bizarre stroke in his eye.

we went to kukongs marriage vow renewal ceremony at church. a lot of warm peranakan people being all smiley. I didn't intend to go at first, but I like kukong chye and kimpo ruby a lot so I went. and kukong is a really cool old man.

and when I got home I fell asleep like a pig.

anyhoo, I met up with emmanuel and Jim for dinner! and it was awesome because angie and zachary, whom I haven't seen in like 5 years were there too. ok so I kind of wandered out of the train station looking for them in the lawn place and they were sitting there waiting. and I gave everyone a hug. ok I couldn't really remember zachary so he was all set for a hug and said do you remember me and I said no and turned around and hugged angie. ok I didn't realise what I was doing because I was really happy to see angie there and was excited. I gave him a hug after that anyway and felt bad about it later when jim and emmanuel started making fun of me for being unaware. we wandered around for a long time, not being able to decide on a place to eat until I just picked a place and made everyone sit down. so we had a crappy dinner with nice drinks and had a lot of laughs.

and even if jim and emmanuel can't stop teasing me about being stupid, i don't mind because they're retards anyway, so it's funny. and Iris came late because she's gay.

It was very warm and loving and funny. so it was a very great evening. plus lots of hugs.

damn christmas

I usually adore Christmas. which is why this worse.

so far Christmas this year has been a fucked up disappointing sham. and while some people out there think that I am a nice person, going for midnight mass reminded me of how mean hearted and bad tempered I can be.

I had to plaster a smile onto my face and go for a fucking dinner where I had no one to talk to because Iris went off early because she insisted on going for two masses in a row because there was some fucking pageant she had to go see. and mum escaped because she had to send her. and I had to talk to fucking arrogant judgmental hyprocrite who tried to be a know it all that is so sure that your plan won't work.

yes, this is the year that I wanted to tell my uncle to stop being such a cowardly hypocrite and to go fuck himself. this is the year that I wanted to stay outside and not go in to talk to anyone or deal with anyone like rude possibly semi autistic younger cousin. this is the year I wanted to say shut up and leave me alone because I'm having a headache.

but of course I didn't. because that would have just been disgraceful and disrespectful.

oh and then I went for goddamn midnight mass. I forced myself to go thinking that maybe I'll find some inspiration or answers at mass. maybe I did a little, which was the plus side. but because people kept bothering and pestering me while I tried to pray, I almost wish I had a gun. and I so wanted to tell them to fucking leave me the hell alone while I'm trying to pray, but because i have respect for the general congregation.. oh wait no i don't, I hate every one there save a few. ok, because I respect the sanctity of the church and all the preparation for mass, i didn't.

and after mass and having a brief warm reunion with jim and emmanuel before they ran off, Iris started taking pictures with some people like gay pixies and made me just stand there and watch and wait. what the fuck. like there wasn't even a drop of fucking social cow sense to introduce me to all these people. so I just stood there like some fucking retard.

so fuck christmas this year. I'm going to Los Angeles for my next christmas. get the hell away from fucking st vincent de paul and dickhead uncle.

pensive

I'm confused. I can't get my thoughts organized, they're just going every where in all different directions. it makes me so frustrated that I'm just sitting here in my bed with my laptop in my lap having an absolutely silent tantrum. it's a weird tantrum; just my fingers typing and my eyes blinking.

questions about religion. being brought up believing in God, a lot of the things I was taught at home matched what morals they teach in church. After being asked why I believe in God, or why I think certain things are wrong all I could answer was because I just do; because they just are. and I surprised myself a little, realizing that I didn't have any solid sensible reasons other than that. no other justifications. and after stumbling through lousy arguments that God is in the air and that I feel it in my heart I started getting the feeling that it wasn't enough. I want to know exactly why I'm doing this and have a good reason for it all, instead of some weak fluffy argument that can be explained away or scoffed off. and maybe in the wintry desolace of doubt I always retreat to the warm glowing memory of Jesus speaking to me when I was young. I really have worn that out a little thin. It gets harder and harder to hold on to as time passes on.

Believing in God is not something I want to give up. but why? Is it because I'll have nothing to fall back on when things go rough? that my life will have less meaning? that I'd have to accept that I am just an insignificant accident in this world? I don't want that to be my reason. but then there is always that difference between what is, and what one wants to be true. and because I'm set against any of the above being the reason, I can't really tell if any of them are. the problem is that I'm not objective on this. what I want to find the answers that will help me find strengthen and back up my conviction that God is in the air. what an objective take would be is, looking at the problem without deciding what you want the answer to be and going ahead with it and accepting whatever the answer turns out to be.

and so far, I'm not finding any answers at all. euniee told me to take a look at my life, acknowledge what I know I shouldn't be doing and fix it. and only then I'd be able to communicate with God. but my problem now is this shadow at the back of my mind asking if God is even there. I still say my prayers at night. but they're shorter now. all I ever ask for now are answers and solutions. is that short sighted? I don't even know.

and what about justifying morals that you have? there are so many ways to argue the reason for having certain morals. there are so many exceptions, like killing people in war, that can be used in an argument and I might go crazy following all of them. besides I have homework to do.

and I don't want people to stop throwing questions at me because they think I'd just fizzle into a messy chowder and start losing my mind. because I want to know and I don't want to be 'protected' from other points of view. it's just my ability to justify my conviction falls short of it. and that is just frustrating.


thoughts about friends. I really really love crystal and euniee and I'm terrified that now that I'm in a different country and we're all busy with our lives that I'm going to fall behind and not be around when significant things happen. and today I realized that could very well happen, because there seem to be a lot of things that I don't know about. and while euniee was being the wiser person that she is, trying to reply to my incoherent questions and trying to give me advice, I thought how far away it seemed, when we were in the same class and the same section; with her supplying me with antiseptic and band aids everyday in sydney.

and this leads on to all you other lovely people. I think I might have felt it a little last thursday, but it hit me today while we were celebrating euniee's birthday. I had no idea what was going on with everyone and even when they told me it was more like being given information on a clipboard and nodding and saying ok. what about peace or martina or deborah or jasmine or huizhen or nicole or lots of other people? I don't even know when I'll be seeing deborah next. all our adventures and times together. things like the story of jeow that I wrote down some where. and letters and things that I kept away some place safe. class mates, school people and everything.

I remember saying that I wanted days like those that we had before, those wonderful warm days, for a long time to come; I wanted us to still be having those ten years from now and far longer than that. because we're all so awesome, and that's something so precious, and I don't want to lose that. and I'm really afraid that these moments will slowly disappear. and I know it sounds whiny and air headed and stupid when I say that I love you guys and that I've missed you all, but I really really really mean it.

'Miracles like us, don't happen every day.'


so I'm sitting in my bed, writing a ridiculous love letter to my friends on my blog which I'll probably regret later because it'll be embarrassing that I feel this much. and maybe I don't mind exposing myself like this right now because I'm not thinking clearly but also because it just means a lot and I really don't want any of it to be lost.

maybe this is all really frou frou and gay.

so honestly I'm just plain miserable tonight. although I was really happy to see some very awesome people today and spend time with them.

home

I always bring a notebook with me when I go flying just in case inspiration hits me. it usually doesn't. this time, it didnt. part of the reason was that I was sleeping and feeling a little restless about coming home. and the seat next to me was empty! it gave me some awesome extra space to move about.

I went down to London with Angeline, who is such a dear dear person. much love. and we went around for a while, shopping and freezing. you know you really start to understand why angmohs are always flocking to places like singapore where it's warm. it's so windy and chilly over there. coming home to the warm rainy humid air is actually quite nice. and I went to Lush! because I'm obsessive that way.

and because dad insisted that I get to the airport four hours early because heathrow is really crappy, I ended up waiting inside for three hours. I took the time to go shopping in an indirect way to punish dad for making me wait so long. of course the flight was slightly delayed.

Two hours before landing I woke up and started feeling restless and fidgety. and I kept the channel on the flight's progress. my heart kept skipping beats and I kept thinking home home home home. my thoughts were speeding along with the plane. and when I saw the lights from the city I was all bouncy inside my chest. I don't know, it's strange, I felt so relieved and ridiculously happy when we finally landed.

dad and Iris picked me up from the airport. I'm really proud that I managed to make my way all the way back home myself. I kept saying quick prayers in the plane during because I was a little nervous.

and this was the best part of coming home. when I walked through the front door, brendan, kenneth, sarah, wenlong, kristen, and sam jumped out at me from behind the door. ohmygod I nearly cried. yes I admit it. but I didn't cry! I was one CRYSTAL away from crying, as someone said. can't remember who. and I was so happy to see mum and aunty june was around as well.

and it was awesome. coming home to all the warmth and fun and love that I've missed so much. eating shepherd's pie, olive rice, lots and lots of other awesome food. Iris baked a hideous cake which made me laugh for five minutes. it tasted really good though. and even though kenneth made fun of me for being grotesquely fat, it was sooooo heart warming to sit down, and throw banter around the table. I have missed that banter. after dinner we sat around and watched a bit of scrubs while a few of them played cards. I've really missed hearing kenneth laugh like an idiot.

ok I was just really touched that they came. and I kept saying things like i've missed you guys and I love you guys and creating weird silences. but I don't care because it's true! hmm what's wrong with you people and having people tell you that they love you hmmmmm?

and there was kueh lapis!!! I have missed kueh lapis. but I have missed CRYSTAL and EUNICE and ARTHUR and ANDY much more. imagine me whining.

yay I'm anticipating thursday when sc perc meets up!

peace

and all I ask, is that you save a small place in your heart for me.

slow

ok it's like half past ten and my bag has one t-shirt, a bottle of vinegar for my own entertainment, a folder, and a book of chopin's nocturnes. bah. and i'm supposed to leave for london in less than 12 hours. I guess it does seem a little strange that I'll be home soon. and bringing a lot of work with me. annoying.

I think i got this slow packing thing from dad. he never packs his bag till the last minute. and even then, it's mum who does the packing. and I still have to go wash some dishes.

greet

HELLO EWAN. YOU DEVIOUS PERSON YOU.

unwell

I feel like something inside my chest around where my heart would be imploded into a black hole that is slowly pulling my soul into it.

I can't do this.

hell.

morning

i woke up this morning and said.. fuck.

and then I started giggling to myself in the dark about how random it was that I was swearing outloud while I was alone in my dark room. and I continued giggling because it was so random that I was actually laughing about that. the cycle didn't last very long thank God.

I drank some water and took a bath.