bad

I am more stressed and exhausted now than I ever was during the A level period. that is wrong in so many ways.

I spent the whole day, the entire day, save a few hours reading, infront of the piano trying to memorise and familiarise myself with 'star wars trilogy.' It is exhausting. the best part is that I'm still not finished. God save my soul, I am not finished.

and after a certain hour, I had to stop. I had to go cut my score to a smaller size, write my script down on cue cards, load yai's photos into the computer and eat dinner [ok the consolation is that I had good food today]. and now... now I need to sleep off this funny feeling in my head.

gray

I like to climb out on the roof. especially when there is good air and clear skies. nothing matters on the roof. and if it rains, hey, that's ok. most of the time, I'd climb back in. but on days like this, I wouldn't mind if the roof gets wet and I slip and fall and break my neck.

ambivalence

I am lost for words at this display. I can't decide whether to laugh, or to just exclaim wildly about how retarded japs are.

freedom

freedom came without much pomp and circumstance. freedom came with a warm smile and pulled the earth from beneath my feet. it wasn't floating away, it was having the ground ripped out from under me.

and even now, I can't believe that it's truly over. it is over. alpha and omega, it's over.

I can listen to music all day long; it's ok for me to sit at the piano for four hours; I can resume cello lessons; I can get a job; I can prepare for christams; I can go christmas shopping; I can spend time with people I care about; I can do anything anything anything that doesn't violate the law and land me in prison; I can bake muffins; I can read all the books I want.

the choices are so numerous! but really, all I want is to spend sometime with you. really that's all I ask of you. a little time flies past, but is worth so much.

I feel like a house or maybe like I'm in a house. and I have gone from room to room opening doors and switching on the lights.

positions

caring too much. it seems to happen way too often; caring about someone more than they care about you. yeah, it happens way too often. and in the end it just makes you feel like a gay hyper sensitive retard. it's not a nice feeling. because what was intended to be a good thing is ridiculed.

and so we retreat back into our tortoise shell trying to salvage our dignity.

the piano

I'm not that good at the piano. really, I'm not. I can play some pieces, surely, but I can't say that I can play them perfectly. and I can't play that many. and I couldn't say that I'm good at side reading, because I'm terrible at it.

my left hand is much weaker than my right. and I stumble over the keys sometimes, especially if there's any kind of distraction. and I memorise everything because I can't look at the score and play. I watch my hands to make sure they're doing what they're supposed to do. and if I get lost in the middle I have to start from a certain point again.

so really, I'm not that good at it.

doing dishes

I like doing the dishes. It's fun to get rid of all the grime and dirt and produce something squeaky clean; as if it had never been soiled. as if getting all the oil on the plates and pans doesn't matter and all you have to do is wash it off with soap and water. and it's so easy, just scrub it a little with dishwashing liquid and voila! sparkling clean.

I shouldn't dwell, I know, but please excuse me. I need catharsis, and it's too late to do any studying.

maybe I shouldn't have said anything. I don't know why I did. it just popped out. and please don't be offended when I say we're not that close, you know I love you in a very platonic way. I wouldn't be able to tell anyone I was closer to. after all this time trying to surpress the urge to talk to someone about it, maybe my subconscious forced it out.

It's the reason I cringe when people mention, joke, talk about anything related. and I know I seem perfectly fine about it, it was so long ago, I try not to be bothered about it. more than ten years have passed. but memories come back once in a while, and I have to pretend it's just an unimportant joke to get by.

so here I am, feeling guilty for burdening someone else with inconvenient truths and trying to explain my exposure of the vulnerable past, with nothing that can be said or done.

I wish life was as simple as doing the dishes; I am sorry.

lucky

I have the best friends in the world. I am very blessed.

I can't wait for christmas, the best time for giving and loving. how exciting.

quarantine

you would never think being quarantined is so much fun; it is. It's so cozy and it feels like you're doing another exercise in class. the atmosphere is less tense. in between papers you get to eat a little in the exam venue because you're not allowed to go out. and mr tanu helps you buy some food and stuff from the cafe, which was really nice. and you get to bombard him with last minute questions and such.

today was much great fun.

Examination Questions

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.

Time limit: 2 hours.

Begin immediately.

Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.

Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, paying special attention to its probable effects on the English Parliamentary System circa 1750. Prove your thesis.

Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)

Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.

History: Describe the history of religion from its origins to the present day, concentrate specifically but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Demonstrate your understanding by creating your own religion and describing its likely impact on world affairs. Be brief, concise and specific.

Literature: Compose an epic poem based on the events of your own life in which you see and footnote allusions from T.S. Eliot, Keats, Chaucer, Dante, Norse mythology and the Marx brothers. Critique your poem with a full discussion of its metrics.

Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only set squares, protractor and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.

Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Metaphysics: Describe in detail the probable nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.

Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Psychology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin Laden and George W Bush. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's life, making appropriate references.

Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.

Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.

Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples.

unwitting

I decided to take a break after a very long day. a very long day of feeling doomed. unbeknownst to me, while I was enjoying some rejuvenating quiet time at the bleachers, I was being eaten alive by mosquitos.

I work hard? perhaps, if you count zoning out and metaphorically banging my head against the brick wall that is chemistry. I somehow feel less accomplished, just staring at questions I can't solve instead of actually solving them.

chemistry was invented by satan.

questions

I was wondering how it is that the daughter of a member of parliament can get away with publishing condescending, not to mention rude, remarks on her blog. Compare this to other people who get jailed for less offensive, or equally offensive comments.

pitiful.

temptation

I know I shouldn't have, on the night before the exam no less, but I did.

new photos are up!

I couldn't resist myself.