pixie dust

I wish this poem were pixie dust
to throw into your eyes
and make you see the loneliness
beneath my happy disguise.

And I would take you in my arms
and weave a magic spell
that I could utter any time
to make you love me well.

but alas my simple words
are like summer rain
that falls on fields and hills and hearts
then vanishes again.

And though my love might make you bloom
you turn with fragile grace
to gaze in aching loneliness
at some one else's face.

we lust for what we cannot have
a long unbroken chain
of lovers who remain unloved
and loved who love in vain.

While I'm near mad with wanting you
as trees must have the sun
we cannot hep but find a love
who loves another one.

the most boring day ever

today was the most boring day EVER. I had absolutely nothing to do. I stoned in the morning and doodled on my paper. pam was busy and everybody else was elusive. the only exciting thing that happened today is me suddenly getting my period which is just a joke fate decided to send along to torment me. I had to run down to the pharmacy to get myself a pad and food. so after that bit of trauma which followed the ultimate day of boringness, I am now shamelessly blogging and eating chocolate things to make myself feel better.

HELLO EUNICE IS A SLACKER
-eunice's fellow intern, Pam.

now, after trying to kill her computer, pam decides to contribute to my entry.

paradox

oh yeah you've had so much experience with creeps you should write a book about them.

and now when it feels like my life is just about to begin I'm terrified of it beginning and I'm trying to not let it begin. because all that goodness is killing me and is reminding me of things that shouldn't be remembered and it's making me afraid of old stories renewing themselves like an overdue book from the library.

I wonder if maybe God made a mistake the first time and somehow got them mixed up and this time it's the right one. so many things are the same.

but I'm so distraught right now and all my thoughts are so fragmented, maybe even I won't understand this when I read it over again later.

sneaky

I just had to call some one up from some random company and pretend I was a grad student doing a thesis paper on some trusts laws. apparently they would be less willing to talk to me if they knew I was working for a law firm. so I had to lie to get information. sneaky.

In the end the girl I called didn't have the relevant information and asked me how I got her number. I panicked and said my professor refered me to her. and she asked who. so I panicked and gave her my dad's name. ohmygod. I hope she doesn't really go enquire after who he is and find out he's some general. ok even if she did it's not like there will be a horrible punishment set out for me if she found out I was lying. I just feel tricksy and guilty.

trials

went into court today. It was really interesting. client confidentiality must be observed so I can't disclose all the coolness and the details of the ridiculous defendant[slimy]. I was supposed to be taking notes, but after a while I lapsed into a jaded state and simply wrote things like 'pointless rant by the defendant ensues after which he gets told off by judge,' or 'defendant is retarded,' or 'I need to pee,' or 'peeeeee.' I did learn a lot of things though and it was very cool. I looked over some contract and handed it back to my mentor before I left the office.

met aaron for dinner. we hardly ate cause we were talking about a lot of things. we must have been sitting there for two hours or more. he's quite nice I guess; he got me a cupcake cause I told him I was craving cupcakes the night before. I drank so much tea, I kept going to the bathroom.

I'm going in for criminal sentencing this week. how exciting. Lyndon gave me a book to read about it. maybe court will end early tomorrow like it did today and I can go read up before I go in.

words

I remembered something on my way home. I don't think anyone in the current acband reads this blog, but heck, I'll write it here and maybe a single soul will read it and think it meaningful and tell the rest about it.

A lot of memories were looked at today; especially our memories of Sydney. Sydney was the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. The J2s would understand what we said, but the J1s won't. It's something that they didn't have the chance to experience, and will be unable to appreciate it to the extent that we do.

But here's another stab at trying to help you better understand.

I adored Turandot. I cried almost every time we played it; right at the end. The end of the arrangement we played, was the ending of the opera as well. In the opera they sang very lovely words

O sole! Vita! Eternita!
Luce del mondo e amore
Ride e canta nel sole
l'infinita nostra felicita
Gloria a te! Gloria a te! Gloria

which in English means,

Sun! Life! Eternity!
Light of this world and love
We rejoice and celebrate with song in the
Sunshine of our great happiness
Glory to thee! Glory!

All the emotion and feeling that we put into that music reflected the meaning of the opera. the music resonated with our energy and our love for each other. every thing we had been through together preparing for our competition resulted in music so deep with a meaning that carried throughout the hall without the need for any words; our fights, laughs, tears, sweat, and blood.

It was the joy and love that the opera was meant to express; we kicked out the words and made it into so much more. we made it into something that was our own. That is why, even if Rosa was technically better, Turandot is and always will be the most wondrous beautiful thing I have ever heard.

my dear dear J1s, you have not played music until you can instill meaning into it; you have not lived until you have experienced what I experienced with my dear friends when we were in Sydney.


to my dear J3s and J2s, I realised how painfully I have missed you today. I love you so much, beyond what my basic vocabulary can express, and am so thankful for the time that I was given to grow with you.

perspective

how everything has changed and become weightless; as if nothing matters anymore and you are set free from everything that has ever pressed down on your heart.

it's all fresh and clean and beautiful.

things

today I realised my prayers came true. how am I going to keep myself from exploding with happiness and gratitude?

you will always be in love with love

small world

Dear Iris, so you will be more informed on the very weird event.

on the way home from piano class, which I had after work, I was carrying a copy of Czerny's Art of Finger Dexterity in my arms. After eyeing the book for a while, this guy asked me if I was doing my diploma. I was forced to admit that I was technically just a noobish grade one pianist. and so we started talking. eventually when he realised that, despite being dressed like a lawyer [I had to go into court today], I just finished JC, he asked me which school I was from. He gave me this very shocked look when I said ACJC. no way. of course I realised he was from AC too. so we both started exclaiming really loudly on the bus, earning some glances from the other passengers.

I was very excited meeting some one else from AC, who graduated one year before me, so randomly on the street. so I told him I was from sd3 which earned me another really shocked look. oh my god, I was from sd2. and we started exclaiming wildly again. so we introduced ourselves by our first names and asked which CCAs we were in and stuff like that.

In the end he was going to a street in my neighbourhood which gave me some one to talk to as I walked in. so we asked each other if we knew this person or that. eventually he asked me if I knew anyone from Raffles band seeing as how I was in band myself. the natural answer was of course Iris. and he gave me a shocked look. Iris Sin? and we both got very excited again. I asked him how he knew Iris and, wonder of wonders, she was his friend's girlfriend.

It was my turn to be incredulous. I practically shouted 'You know Paul?!?!?!' and he replied to this question by repeating it. I stopped walking and said Iris is my sister! and he just stared at me before he started exclaiming and saying it was you. you were at the airport?! I replied by repeating the question. we were both very excited and noisy. and so he walked me in while we kept asking each other questions and being very freaked out about what a small world we live in.

thus I had a very entertaining walk in and made a new friend today.

perplexed

I don’t get it. I went into some lawyer’s office that was decked with pink fluffy objects, photographs of happy human beings, poster-sized drawings of men and women with orgasmic expressions on their faces looking like they’re about to rip each other’s clothes off, a lamp with pretty patterns on the shade, happy birthday signs and notes screaming ‘we love you.’ However the creature inhabiting that half of the room was a monstrous angry witch who looked as if she had a bitter jealous soul and plotted other people’s downfalls. The incongruency here has me baffled and may just throw me off balance for the rest of the week.

strength

on days as tiresome as this listening to us, our music, pushes me to work harder. because, I don't know, the memory of those times, of you, gives me strength. it reminds me that even if work is retarded and I am forced to suffer under the worst affliction known to man kind[morelli's words are so true], I still have you. I still have people I love and care about outside this opressive cubicle.

my dear dear acband. I miss you so much.

tremors

god the building is shaking and it freaking me out. worse, I'm surrounded by imbecilic chickens that squawk in panic every time there are tremors and it's grating on my nerves. any moment now, they'll decide to stampede out of the building together in their blind panic and bring about the collapse of the building. at least I'll have some quiet.

alas! it's the second time we've had tremors today. I could bear it with more grace if it weren't for the shrill exclamations piercing the air. must. control. fist. of. death.

work

If I have to smile and be lady like and demure much longer I'm going to kill something bigger than an ant. I think I'll listen to angstful music while searching for this stupid insolvency act which is not appearing.

I wish I could find an ant nest and cause some carnage.

day one

my first day was so much fun! since I had absolutely nothing to do for most of the day, I looked busy and amused myself by writing stories about Mary. my mentor took me out for lunch with two other lawyers. they were very friendly and easy to talk to, which made lunch all the more enjoyable.

we got lunch and coffee before heading back to the office and my mentor paid for everything, which made me feel very guilty and uneasy. but I couldn't see the bill and it seemed ridiculous for me to offer to pay my share since I am probably a good ten years younger and no one else minded about their share.

Dad spent the whole day messaging me. dad is, uh, weird. go to court. wow! quite weird. He sneakily tried to find out if my mentor was a lady or a guy by asking where he studied; because it secretly matters to him I guess. I circumvented it and so now he thinks I'm very smart. heh.

towards the end of the day, after amusing myself more and looking more busy, I finally got something to do and got confused over many facts of laws involving insolvency. I learned a lot of things. In the end, I stayed back one and a half hours doing research and talking to a really nice lawyer. when I got back to my desk, I found a post it my mentor left me telling me that I didn't have to stay on and could leave at five thirty, cheers.

quite exciting. my mentor mumbles instead of talking as if tired of hearing all the booming voices around the office.

messages

I know it's hard, and there are so many obstacles to overcome. and sometimes you think it's outrageous and ridiculous; you just want to give up, rebel and say it's not worth it. but when you finally get to where you're going because you put in all that effort and suffered for your goal, take a moment and look around you. breathe it all in; time will slow down and let you commit everything you feel and see and hear to memory.

and when you finally get there, you'll know it was completely worth it.

At dawn they slept

I was listening to our recording. it's quite amazing realising how much I've learned since entering ac band. yet, while I was aware that we weren't blow away awesome, God, how vividly I remembered everything we went through and how much I miss my dear dear SC percussion.

Peace's crashing and triangling and Deb's mallets at the fast part and charis on the snare and more and more. my timpani solos and how I struggled with it and how I finally managed to get one particular part right on that day. I remember quivering and shaking nervously on stage and being afraid. and how it really is a wonderful piece. I wish I could play it again.

epiphany

while an epiphany may refer to a realization or comprehension of the essence or meaning of something or someone, it also refers to the feast intended to celebrate the revelation of God to mankind in human form in the person of Jesus.

The observance had its origins in the eastern Christian churches, and included the birth of Jesus; the visit of the magi who arrived in Bethlehem; and Jesus' childhood events, up to his baptism in the Jordan by John the Baptist. The date of the feast was fixed on January 6. Ancient liturgies dwelt upon the Baptism and Marriage at Cana; particularly the baptism of Jesus in the Jordan River by St. John the Baptist, as it marked the only occasion when all three persons of the Holy Trinity manifested their physical presence simultaneously to humanity: God the Father by speaking through the clouds, God the Son being baptized in the river, and God the Holy spirit in the shape of a dove descending from heaven.

In the context of festivals, the latter would probably be the intended definition.

the end

and so after two years in acjc, I came away with 2As, 2Cs, and an A1 for gp. I'm quite numb right now, and feel kind of disappointed. but I did get 3As after all, like I hoped. I don't understand why every one is telling me that it's good when it really isn't.

conversely, after two years in acjc, I came away with a kingdom of beautiful memories and experiences. I wouldn't trade any of those for better grades. and so, taking that into mind, I am moderately content.

still, it would be nice if I had something warm, fuzzy, ignorant and loving. like a puppy. I've never wanted a puppy so badly in my life. I felt like breaking the glass in the pet store and escaping with a puppy in my arms.

old school comforts like hot chocolate and hugs would be nice. preferably hugs. warm loving hugs.