things.

did the world end that day? when everything seemed lost and there was darkness everywhere. People drowned in mind-numbing anguish and some even ran out of tears, and could only sit and stare and wonder why.

did the world end tha day? No, it had only begun.

Zephyr

everynight when I'm fast asleep, zephyr appears in my dreams. I don't know why. I am wondering how it is that, even when I wake up and go back to sleep, zephyr is still there. I don't feel particularly happy or scared. I just think, 'here you are again.'

so why? WHY? It's so gay to keep dreaming about the same person over and over and over again. how long has it been? two weeks?!

rain

The clouds gathered their dark forms together.
Though the sky was obscured by it's marble grey shroud,
A detergent white glow permeated the air.

The wind was quick,
And blew the leaves out of the trees
Whirling them about in a dull gold swirl
While the frosty water spilled out of the sky.

Water and leaves mixed together
Were thrown through the air
Cast on the ground

Lightning cut through the air
Thunder began to crash.

-R. Willows

lost for words

I looked at my paper. no, it can't be, there must be some mistake. I looked at it again. I flipped through the whole script. oh goodness.

I got an A for biology?

prayer

I am afraid, I'll admit. I promise I won't be if you'll hold my hand and tell me 'it's alright'. the world would fade into a grey mist and I'll proceed to a place far far away, without the darkness and fear looming behind me.

be my light in the darkness, guide me and keep me safe.

things.

how long has it been? a year? yes, about there I suppose. It all becomes a blur as time progresses. I remember the bus rides home, and how you helped me around when I didn't know what was going on. And how I wasn't always nice.

I sometimes wish you'd take the bus and get off where I'd get off. It's only a few stops away from your home, just pay me a visit. but I guess that's not likely, especially since you don't know where I live.

excuse me while I vomit my guts out into the street.

percussion pasta party

I love my friends.

when brendan is in the kitchen, he reminds me of a mother hen, fluttering about and clucking at us and pecking at the people who aren't kitchen worthy. but it was really fun going to lynn's house during our lunch break to prepare dinner.

I mainly chopped up the capsicums and ate little bits of cheese. I wasn't feeling very well, which made me feel a little low despite all the shannanigans. wenlong was double stroking with his knives while cutting up the tomato and I think andy cut himself more than he cut anything else. when we were done they kept smelling their hands.

I guess everything picked up from when eunice told me the story about the pretty girl in our section. If you were at muse, it was the one playing the timpani for 1812. Apparently some guy thought she was really pretty. and while I was trying to recall who it was who was playing the timpani, she told me it was brendan. That's the reason I was laughing so hard after ms sng dimissed us.

I couldn't wait to get back for dinner after we left for school, I was quite restless during practice. when we did get back, we boiled the penne and finished up with the anitpasto. I think today was the first time brendan was running around while we were sitting down.

Everyone but victoria and angela came, which isn't too bad I guess. It was so much fun sitting down and talking and laughing about everything. The food was nice, but I didn't like the fettucini and tomato dressing too much. Even though it had a really nice flavour, the after taste honestly reminded me of vomit.

After dinner we sat in the living room playing taboo, boys against girls. It was so incredibly funny, especially with poor samuel and kristen who kept stuttering. at one point the boys couldn't guess anything because they kept laughing at all their stupid innuendos. we won of course, 76 to 67.

I can't wait to get the photos.

gay entry

eunarco is the summation of my efforts to hold on to the time when I was 16 and with my friends. I absolutely can't imagine life without them, and yet right now, they're quite far away.

I miss you all in a non-lesbianic totally gay way. please let us all see each other soon before I die from anxiety.

thing.

'paint yourself
in your true colours
in primary colours
as you see them
[without whitewash]
paint yourself as you see yourself
without make-up
without masks'

L. Ferlinghetti

poem

please fix me
change a few gears
in my head preferably
there's nothing really wrong
just fix me

-J. Saunders

today.

chem spa was, uhm, easy. surprisingly. you might even call it entertaining.

I kept waking up the middle of last night. I dreamt I had a friend who got shot in front of my house. It was up to me to save the day, but of course, I couldn't do much except fumble around looking for a solution to a problem I couldn't fix.

it must be the exam anxiety.

can't sleep

I dreamt of an evil genius last night, with mad shock of white hair and a laugh worse than that. He wore black heels and glasses, and talked to himself. It was probably because of the years of societal rejection that led to this. His main goal was to conquer an orphanage.

The evil genius was defeated by a skinny gay choir boy in the end.

when it's over

when this is all over [and I hope it ends well], I'm gonna take off. I'm going to L.A. to see everyone. Andrea might drive us down to frisco and take me to a ranch. Derek might let me come over and hang, if he's not sleeping his life away. We'll go fishing by the lake, and watch the stars come out at night in the blistering desert cold. We'll walk the dogs, and pick up some acorns on the way.

We'll go to in-and-out, ihop, coco's, el pollo loco, cosco to get a huge box of microwaveable popcorn and other junk. Have christmas at Derek and Kelvin's house again with a huge turkey and play pool while we're eating.

I'll bug them to go to the mall together, so we can go shopping and eating. Charlotte Russe, Jessica Mcclintock, American Eagle outfitters for their to-die-for flip flops. most importantly, we'll all be together having good clean fun.

perhaps I shouldn't be thinking about the end when it's so far away. damn I think my IQ just dropped.

today.

I don't have much to say. I just like to see my fingers moving on the keyboard, hear the sound of myself typing. I look up every once in a while to check that it all makes sense. I wouldn't want to be typing nonsense. noticing how each letter comes out one by one when I type slowly

I didn't do much today. I studied first thing I woke up. Played the cello a bit after, still trying out that sarabande. I'm not really good yet, but I can get the first few bars, it's better than nothing. I must get my bow fixed. we're having moussaka for dinner tonight.

math is making me a little frustrated. respiration is making me dizzy.

unwell

I ate half a jar of pickles today, and, oh god, there are still 6 hours of the day in which I might just finish the whole damn jar.

Aside from just the pickles, I can't stop eating period. In fact, right now I'm trying to prevent myself from rushing downstairs in a frenzy to open a can of ravioli and have porridge after that for dinner. I'm resisting the urge to reach under my bed where I stowed a bag of Lays, away from the eyes of mom, who would snatch it away if she saw it because I'm 'eating too much junk.' It's true, sadly.

today.

sing praise

conviction

so maybe what I do is what certain people would consider to be worthless. the music I write about is really nothing to them.

My hypothesis is that somewhere deep down, they're jealous. so they cover it up by undermining whatever it is that they are secretly, or maybe even subconsciously jealous of. I guess that's the only way to stay sane, everybody's insecure about something. and undermining others is one of the few ways some people can make themselves feel special about themselves. but this is really just a hypothesis.

but even if they were right, doing what I do, well, I've made a lot of dear friends. really. Some of them are practically family. I wonder if they can say the same for anything they have ever done.

metaphorically

yes, I now know what it's like, to wake up in the middle of night kicking and screaming; to feel like driving a knife into my stomach, my chest, my head, so the pain would surpass all other thoughts or feelings. to claw at the pillows as if there was an escape that could be ripped out of them.

looks like I'm going insane. damn, I have to stop being so gay.

turandot

please be a D
please be a D
please be a D

A A

please be a D

A

D

Turandot is so much fun.

today

today was simply spectacular.

I wonder if tonight will be the last night I will ever perform at the esplanade. If so, I'm glad I was with my section, my friends.

next stop, sydney opera house in June.

yesterday

Yesterday was absolutely wonderful. Popping up infront of crystal out of nowhere with a different box containing a present ten times and smiling and screaming 'happy birthday!' was so incredibly fulfilling.

And after a long tiring day, I sat down to a nice warm bowl of enchiladas from heaven.

sky

how perfect the world is. the thought flashed through my mind when I looked up at the cloudy blue sky.

please be there

I don't want to whine, but please be there on march 8. It would mean the world to me. even though it's impossible for you to come, I will keep on foolishly hoping and searching for your face in the crowd.

conversation

he shot me an incredulous look.

these kind of people go to hell.

I raised my eye brows.

really! these kind of people go to hell!