trouble

I've been told to try and think positively and to keep myself busy. It's hard. Apparently this is harder because I don't have anything to do. I have a lot of spare time to think about things.

This morning I was eating a sandwich. It was sunny and I thought that life wasn't so bad. The day changed.

No future. I want to go home, but can't talk to family. don't like talking about feelings. Iris is busy at the hospital. mum and dad know something is wrong. they're talking about coming up here. that will cost money. guilt. don't know what to do with them. maybe it won't be so bad. 

physically exhausted from feeling. not even doing anything. just feeling. brief moments thinking things aren't so bad. then dropping down again to feeling like things are hopeless. this is exhausting.

In a daze while trying to find food on the high street. at least I had a jacket to keep me warm. I guess that's more than what some people have. 

don't really understand problem. can't talk to people. don't want to burden acquaintances with problems. 

alone. alone. alone.