mistake

it sometimes seems like it's possible to reverse old mistakes. when something bad happens it's almost like watching a tragic play you've seen dozens of times before proceed; you know what's going to happen, what the consequences are but you just can't stop it or reverse it.

maybe the rain and oscar wilde are making me contemplative and moody.

comrades

March 2, 07. Friday. 14.30
the day of reckoning is at hand!

insomnia

the very strong possibility that my life is going to be a meaningless void is keeping me up. it wasn't supposed to be this way.

I feel the crazy coming on.

conversation with security guard

what's the most important thing in this world?

uh. free parking?

no, an education.

question

so if I go to college and get honours and all the smart certificates and get a job that pays me the president's salary, will it matter if I didn't get to accomplish what I really wanted? it's a serious question. I might forget how much I cared and just move on.

no. I think I'd become hollow.

music

If my application to melbourne is successful, I'll be leaving in June. If I do well enough and get into warwick, I'll be leaving in september. there isn't enough time to learn music. and god, it feels like I'm not being taken seriously; like I'm just taking lessons to pass the time.

I want so much to learn properly. and I feel so frustrated that my parents are just treating this as some hobby and not something serious. they don't want me to take lessons when I'm in university. so that leaves me with just a few months of lessons. what the hell is the point of just taking a few months worth of lessons. and when I'm done with undergraduate studies, dad insists that I'll have to do postgraduate studies. I'll be in my late twenties when I'm done. how am I going to do this?

then this train of thought leads to another: what am I going to do even if I study music really hard and practice a lot? all the effort and drive to do well will all be pointless in the end because I can't ever be that good and I'll end up working in some small cubicle with florescent lighting, an incompetent boss, wasting my life away over pencil pushing nonsense.

I've never felt so hopeless. what is the point.

melbourne

after much editing and pain, I managed to post some photos from our trip to melbourne. I can't be bothered to actually describe the trip.

editing

I'm editing photos now. it's taking forever. gar.

photographs

I really really want to download the photos from my camera and edit them and everything. but I don't know how. I don't know where the cord is. it's quite frustrating.

yesterday and today were good days. yesterday I visited my dear dear friends in school and told crystal the story of my revenge. I'm quite proud of my cunning. today I chilled at home and did absolutely nothing. after 10 days of traveling with paranoia personified [Iris I'm sure you know who] and spongebob squarepants' driving skills [again, Iris I'm sure you know who] it's great to just sit at home and chill; waste my life away eating and doing absolutely nothing of major consequence in the safe and quiet of my room.

I'm going to become very grumpy and anxious and moody soon; release of the A level results. I have a prediction: I'm going to be gay and cry on that day.

gar. we all know it's true!

life is not epic.

Life is not epic. It never was or will be.
Even during the medieval chivalric and arthurian times life was not epic. stories make them epic. stories make them Romantic. they paint a picture of knights in shining armor, large castles and white horses. they didn't tell you that people smelled bad cause they hardly bathed. they didn't tell you that their teeth were decayed. they didn't tell you about the chastity belts that rusted and gave the women infections. infection and disease tend to make it repulsive.

there are no vague glorious clashes. just bloody ones where they're so scared they piss in their pants. there is no 'returning with your shield or on it.' especially since no one uses shields anymore.

no, life is not epic. Life ceases to be epic when you finish the last page of a fairytale or storybook, close it, and put it back on the shelf where you found it.

stars

I got a jar of effort and other meaningful things today. and I nearly froze to death in a grocery store.

service

may I lay the linen for you miss?

would you like a balsamic vinegar dressing with your salad or a citrus dressing? balsamic please. would you prefer white wine or red wine with your meal? If you'd like white wine, would you rather it be on the sweet or dry side? I can recommend a sweet German wine if you'd like to try it.

would you like some bread miss? we have a range of different types of bread. If you would like olive oil as a dip, we have them in small bottles. would you like more wine as well?

after you finish your fish, would you rather have cheese or macadamia ice cream? we have blue cheese, camambert and brie. ice cream?

If business class is this comfy and delicious, I wonder what first class is like.

news

and so, after much anxious waiting, I have been offered a place in the university of warwick. I kept praying every night that I would get an offer and, praise God, I got one. I jumped up and down and had a seizure when I got the news. since the offer is conditional, I just have to worry about my results now.

anyways, I'm in fliris' hostel room now. the past two days were a godforsaken thirty eight degrees celsius. the scorching sun made it so hard just to breathe. If I could have gotten my hands on an egg, I would have cracked it on the sidewalk just to see if it would cook. I bet it would have.

I took lots of photos when we traveled around the southern part of Victoria. some parts of it are really lovely. I'll try and post them up when I get home. some of them are just gay pictures of flowers though.

I can't wait to get home. flying business class. I'm looking forward to that. hell yeah.

dinner at emmanuel's

I spent the evening camwhoring at emmanuel's house and eating. emmanuel was using his chakchak phone, and I took a few with my dying camera. Jim had a normal camera at least. It was so much fun. emmanuel and jim's reenactment of some opera performance was hilarious. I'm gonna miss this. this getting together and laughing so hard and being obnoxious together. I doubt we'll have much more of this once jim and Iris go away. Iris wasn't there, but it would've been fun if she was.

we did talk about serious issues at some point. I find their philosophy a little troubling some times. it's something I don't really want to think about right now.

monday

I practised some piano pieces this morning. It didn't turn out too well. my fingers were really sluggish no matter how many exercises I did. I think the piano needs to be tuned too. I secretly want a new piano though.

I read for the whole afternoon and went running in the evening. I hate running. I only went for a run for some kind of variation in my day. I did meet a gorgeous himalayan cat on the walk home though. It had blue eyes. more importantly, it had a collar around it's neck so I didn't mind playing with it for a while, seeing as how a domestic cat is less likely to be diseased compared to a stray one. I wanted to take a picture of it, but I couldn't get it to follow me home.

anyway I went home to get my camera and set out again in search of the himalayan cat. unfortunately I didn't find it. Instead, a stray- and very likely a diseased- cat came up to me and started mewing at me and walking in between my legs. In the end I took a picture of it and a bug.

I'm flying off to melbourne soon. I hope I can do some good shopping there. I feel quite excited thinking about it. mum wants to send me for painting classes when I get back. how exciting. what's even more exciting is the prospect of piano classes when I get back. I'm so eager to start. I'll be learning classical stuff mainly, and a little jazz at the side. I can barely contain my anticipation.

people

I went back to visit my dear dear acband today! what a warm fuzzy nostalgic feeling one gets walking into the lt; watching wenlong and kristen taking sectionals and being all professional. well. kind of professional. andy was missing though, which was a little disappointing.

we ate lunch together, like the way we did before, only this time with ms sng and ms leong. it would have been perfect if euniee, crystal, arthur and brendan were there to join in the bantering and laughing. god, how much I miss and love you all!

I met serene, adelle and jiayi in town. Adelle wanted to cut her hair, so serene and I decided that half of our present to her would be to butcher our hair along with her. now my hair has grown drastically short and horrific. I must hide myself away from the world and try to reclaim some shred of normalcy with my hair. perhaps I'll arm myself with scissors, a hairbrush, and clay. I can foresee a very drastic and desperate time ahead of me.

anyway it was so good to see the three of them again. it really was. Adelle and I spontaneously went for a job interview together later on in the evening. well, we got employed without much effort, but I'll only be starting in April after my internship.

conversely

I get a feeling that I'm not well. something is wrong. I can't put my finger on it; one month of indolence is taking it's toll on my brain. I'm a little on edge. I don't think I'm well.

meetings

I spent four hours talking, eating, talking, and eating some more today. what a good day with two really good friends. except for the part where we talked about gruesome deaths and martyrdom, which really scared me, and a few strange factoids, it was a perfect four hours of gorging and bonding. it's my nourishment for body and soul.

work

and so I have been offered an internship at Drew and Napier. It will be about one month long and I will not have a salary, but I will receive an honorarium to cover my daily expenses. great.

on the positive end, this will boost my university applications. I'm really anxious about the results of that. every day I hope and pray I will get a large package in the mail from Warwick. anyway the other really great thing is that I get to go shopping. Dad insists that I get clothes that are suitable for one working in a law firm, meaning that all my expenses will be covered. on this point I think it most appropriate to quote Mr Burns: excellent.